When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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