walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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