You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
