On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
