oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
