is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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