My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
