I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
