he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
