I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
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