I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
