trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
