i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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