i need an iv and a liver transplant
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
