I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
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