one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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