i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
