Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize