I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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