I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Crop dusting thru forever 21
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