I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize