piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
