Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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