his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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