So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
It's blow job season.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
