So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize