Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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