just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
