honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
