things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
