I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I just watch that 70s show all day and blaze whenever they do. It's nice being part of the circle
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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