watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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