I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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