1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
