woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Randomize
