and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
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