Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Randomize
