My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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