just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
Bob the builder, bob the uilder bob the builder bbbbbbbbbbbbbbbbjbbbbbiotch!pp!!!!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
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