Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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