You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
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