Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
