margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
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