Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
mondays should just be called national damage control day
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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