WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
