Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Actions speak louder than pants.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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