Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
