I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
