I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
