I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
Randomize
