apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Randomize
