i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
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