____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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