Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize
