Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
