Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
