omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
did you just send me my own nude
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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