distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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